From Ashes to Beauty (Is. 61:3)
People call me so many things; No longer do I know what to believe. Many times, I've been told how cruel and unsuspecting this world can be. If that's what the world is, does it mean that that's truth? The glimpse of light, brought by a rare voice, is just a lie? For if our world is one of despair and hurt, the voices that bring joy are out of place. They can't be truth.
Is that it then? Is there no hope? Every day, I try to find one thing to live for, just one. When the sun sets, however, it sets on a lost soul. Purpose has evaded me once again. Many times I have thought to myself, that if purpose existed, why would it run from me? For surely that is what it's doing. Like I said, it's as if the very weavings of this life are spun from sorrow.
I'm a girl of simple living. I've learned that to comply is to survive. It doesn't matter what I think; my feelings don't count. As long as the person higher up is happy, so are you. Your joy exists only in theirs. There is no choice. Only once did I dare to voice differentiating opinion. No more. For the scars I now bare run deeper then the feeling of injustice done unto me. I suppose everyone learns what the higher breed wants in life sooner or later; Some sooner than others. At six years of age, I was taught what it was men want. Done faster than it started, I didn't have time to comprehend the action. All I knew was the dark reality that was now mine. He said that that was the reward for my thoughts. If I wanted no reward, then I should not speak in opposition. Soon, however, I learned that total silence was best. Anything to make myself less visible. Eventually, it became the reward for my simple existence. Breathing became a crime. Darkness filled my days. This reality overtook my life; how well I knew it.
Freedom became the cry of many. The meaning of the word escaped me. It was not possible. Maybe for another, but for me, freedom existed not. At least, that's what I told myself. But deep down, I cried out for it just like everyone else. In that place where dreams feed themselves, that place that seems forgotten, non-existent, lived a girl who woke up every day for one purpose, and one purpose only. Unknowingly, I had dared myself to find one thing worth living for. But the more I saw of the world, the closer that dream came to disappearing. It was the one thing that kept me going, and it was smoldering fast.
Days and weeks went by. With each passing moment, it seemed that a slice of life was stolen from my body. Even the man in charge seemed to notice. Every time his eyes wandered my direction, his gaze was permeated with disgust. His lust filled glance turned to iron hate. I had earned a new title. The ugly one, the unloved. That was what he called me. Not once did he use my name. His glare sent me cowering. But his words, cut straight through, leaving me utterly devoid. Never did I let on. He would never see me cry. He couldn't. It was the one pleasure that I had the power to with hold from him. Each day, the pain mounted, slash upon slash. Until, finally, I was overtaken by a dull numbing sensation. I felt no longer.
After sunset was my only safe haven, and a weak one at that. I'd lie on the floor, staring into the dark abyss of night. Occasionally, the stars would blur as silent tears slid down my face. But I never noticed. Imagining myself far away, I dreamed of a place where pain did not exist. Foolish I know, for why dream of the non-existent? However, I found a strange comfort in the thought. So I relished it. He could not take it from me.
Occasionally, as I drifted in and out of sleep, I'd hear a voice. Sometimes it would sing to me, other times, it would just talk. So beautiful was the voice. Its words ran over my scars, soothing them. I figured it, just like the place free of agony, was only a figment of my imagination; something I only desired to be true. Despite this reasoning, I continued to ask its name. The same answer came every night. Just before I drifted to the realms of unconsciousness, the voice would say, "I Am." I suppose it's just my subconscious teasing me; never letting me stay awake long enough to catch the voice's name. So, I gave it a name. It was like nothing I'd experienced in this world. So a simple meaning would not do. Never once did it taunt me. Never once has it asked anything of me. If I could see it, I imagine it would be like nothing I've ever beheld. One could combine the majesty of a sunset, the radiance of a full moon, and the serene capacity of the night sky, and not even come close. The voice portrayed true beauty. And so, that's what I called it, Beauty.
Then, one night, Beauty sung something that I could not empty from my mind. Over and over, he sang these words, "I have loved you, my child, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to Myself. I will rebuild you, My virgin daughter*. Come and follow Me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world*. I will remove all of your sorrows, and their will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain*. Come, and follow Me*." Oh how much I desired to find truth in those words. But how could it be? It couldn't, that's how.
With unrelenting passion, Beauty sung the same words night after night. Never did I tire of hearing them. For even though the words were the same, each time they were sung, I found something new in them. Hope was kindled deep within me. What if I wasn't just making up the voice? I knew it was not of this world. This world is made of only disdain, shame, sorrow. How could it be true then? No where was any of that found within the voice. Unless, was there something else, something beyond this world? Inside, a whirling storm lived and breathed. How could it be? What if I decided to believe, and only found a lie? Surely it would destroy me.
Finally, I decided to ask. Each question jumped from my mouth. Was it true? Who are you? Why me? Beauty responded. "Look up into the heavens. Who created all the stars? I bring them out one after another, calling each by its name. I give power to those who are tired and worn out; I offer strength to the weak*. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. You are honored, and I love you*. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour. Every word of Mine proves true*. I Am the One who always is*."
Something inside me burst. It was true. I knew it was. Nothing inside me could explain it away. And for once, I believed in something. I believed. Suddenly, a tingling sensation started in my toes. I looked down and saw a blazing light. Growing, it consumed by body. I felt no pain. Pure joy radiated throughout me. Every stain, every mark that scarred my body, burned away. Every reminder of what this world was, vanished. No longer did it matter. Life flowed through my veins. I was alive, very much alive.
"My beloved. I have given you beauty for ashes*. Now come, and follow me."
A smile, one that stems from an overflowing source of complete contentment, slowly filled my face. I got up off the floor, opened the door, and stepped out. Taking my first breath of new life, I realized something. I had found my purpose. I had found the one thing worth living for. And I would give my life to follow it. From ashes to beauty, I was free.
*Most of what Beauty said is from the Bible. So, here are the references in the order that they occur: Jer. 31:3-4, John 16:33, Rev. 21:4, Mark 8:34, Is. 40:26, 28-29, Is. 43:2,3,1,4, Prov. 30:5, Ex. 3:14, Is. 61:3
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